Filed under: Luv Coach
I am a 39 year old woman who has never been married. I have been in a relationship with a man for the last three years. He had baggage from a previous marriage. Since the woman cheated and used him, he said that he could never love again. He is in this relationship but does not seem committed. I am starved for his attention and affection. I tell him I love him to get nothing in return. I have truly been hurt in the past. Should I move on and pray that one day someone will love me?
Pamela
When someone tells you that they can never love again, it's not a challenge for you to see if you can make them love you, it's a disclaimer that they are damaged goods and are unwilling to do the work to heal themselves. It's like banging your head against a wall and wondering why it hurts. He isn't committed because he told you he doesn't want to commit. He couldn't be more clear about his intentions. My question to you is, why haven't you received the message? If you go to the shoe store to buy toilet paper and the salesperson tells you they don't sell toilet paper, are just going to hang around in the hopes that one day they might decide to stock it? You are wasting your time and putting yourself through unnecessary emotional strife. It seems that your fear of ever finding love, is keeping you imprisoned in a loveless relationship. Until you recognize that embracing the harsh reality over the unknown is an unhealthy way to live, you will be stuck in a rut. Take a risk, love yourself, and move on. There are billions of people in the world who are searching for a love just like you, and they will appreciate and reciprocate your giving heart.
When someone tells you that they can never love again, it's not a challenge for you to see if you can make them love you, it's a disclaimer that they are damaged goods and are unwilling to do the work to heal themselves. It's like banging your head against a wall and wondering why it hurts. He isn't committed because he told you he doesn't want to commit. He couldn't be more clear about his intentions. My question to you is, why haven't you received the message? If you go to the shoe store to buy toilet paper and the salesperson tells you they don't sell toilet paper, are just going to hang around in the hopes that one day they might decide to stock it? You are wasting your time and putting yourself through unnecessary emotional strife. It seems that your fear of ever finding love, is keeping you imprisoned in a loveless relationship. Until you recognize that embracing the harsh reality over the unknown is an unhealthy way to live, you will be stuck in a rut. Take a risk, love yourself, and move on. There are billions of people in the world who are searching for a love just like you, and they will appreciate and reciprocate your giving heart.
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I have been in touch with an old friend from college who was recently divorced. I always liked him in school, but we never got a chance to date. Now he is pursuing me and I think if we get together we would have a cute story to tell, but I'm not sure if we are on the same page. I want a serious relationship, and when I mention it, he just nods his head and smiles. He has never told me what his intentions are or what he wants at this point. Am I wasting my time with him?
Everyone moves at their own pace, but knowing someone's intentions allows you both to decide if you're looking for the same things. If he is recently divorced, then he may need to take some time to work through his emotions before he will be ready to commit again. His reaction to your desire for a serious relationship sends the message that he hears you, but he hasn't decided what he wants at this point. If you like him and you want to see where it might go, then continue dating and getting to know him, but do not have sex. Sexual interaction will only complicate your feelings at this point, and you want to make sure that he wants what you want before you take the step to be sexually intimate. This approach gives you the chance to see if you have a real heart and head connection and if you are really compatible with him. You want to make sure that you like him for who he is today, and not for who you knew him to be in college, so let go of the desire to have a cute story and focus on getting to know him again.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach in NYC. www.TheLuvCoach.com. Send your relationship questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com. Ready to meet that special person? Come join Coach Brody for an evening of Improv Speed Dating- www.Improvdates.com