Filed under: Basketball
One of my favorite films of all-time was "War of the Roses," starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. In the film, a divorced couple starts down a dangerous and hilarious path of mutual destruction, where the goal of each is to make the other person's life miserable. At the end of the movie, both parties find that while it was their goal to destroy the other person, they actually ended up destroying themselves. Just for the record, each character dies at the end.
I think about "War of the Roses" when I see the custody battle between NBA star Dwight Howard and his ex-wife, Royce Reed. Of course I don't expect anyone to end up dead, but it's already clear that Royce and Dwight have made each other's lives as miserable as possible. Royce recently called the cops after Dwight picked up her son from daycare at a time when he was not scheduled to do so. Before that, Dwight had filed a lawsuit against Royce for referring to him as a "douchebag" on the TV show, "Basketball Wives."
As it stands, Royce is now back in court filing motions against Dwight, stating that her son "acts out" when Dwight's nanny picks him up. She is also saying that Dwight misses scheduled visitations, and that she wants a guardian appointed to ensure that Dwight follows the rules. I am sure Dwight is suing Royce for something else, but I just can't keep up with all the drama.
Dwight and Royce's situation is sad, mainly because I've heard from quite a few sources that Dwight's actually a very good person. From what others tell me, he's not the stereotypically arrogant, evil NBA star that we read about in the news. He comes from a good family, goes to church on Sunday and treats others with respect. Now, I can't vouch for his behavior in relationships, but I'd be shocked to hear that he was some kind of Love Demon. At the same time, NBA players never cease to amaze me at how trifling some of them can be. I certainly hope that Dwight has not bought into all that, and I can at least say that like many other players, he got married entirely too young anyway. I don't know anything about Royce, other than the fact that I am admittedly perplexed about those who appear on the show "Basketball Wives." I guess everyone wants their piece of the financial action - and if your greatest achievement is to have hitched onto someone else's gravy train, then so be it.
While most of us can't dissect the dispute between Royce and Dwight, a few thoughts can be shared on the matter. Most of us have gone through relationship drama, and we know that it's not always a matter of bad people vs. good, but avoiding the trap of relationship war, which can seem like emotional quicksand from which we cannot escape very easily. Here are some quick thoughts on Royce and Dwight:
1) Do you ever wonder how two people who swear they are going to love each other forever can end up becoming mortal enemies? Kinda makes you wonder about love and marriage in the first place, huh? Some might argue that those involved in celebrity divorce deserve millions in compensation for their emotional heartache, but I'm not always so sure. I mean seriously, wouldn't you love it if all of the people who hurt you in past relationships had to pay you a million dollars for pain and suffering? Some athletes could avoid all the craziness by not getting married until they are at least 35-years old. That way, they've sewn their oats, gotten rid of the distractions, and can make sure that the woman they marry isn't just chasing the money. Many athletes are broke by the age of 35 anyway, so the process becomes much simpler by then. At the very least, they don't end up paying NBA-level child support on a retired player's salary.
2) Like the film "War of the Roses," it seems that Dwight and Royce are so intent upon destroying one another that they are hurting themselves and their child (Braylon) in the process. It's sad that the contentious relationships between couples can't be resolved for the sake of their kids. Both parties, in their lack of willingness to concede and consistent desire to one-up each other with yet another stupid court appearance, are ultimately creating a recipe for emotional distress on their young son.
3) Perhaps Royce and Dwight should realize that no one "owns" their baby. If Royce seems to feel that she has the right to control Dwight's actions with regard to their son or decide who does and does not pick him up, then she' s wrong. Dwight is also wrong if he thinks he can do what he wants, when he wants. He has to follow the rules. If you ever listen to some mothers talk about their kids, you'll notice that in some cases, the language becomes very possessive. The words "my baby" imply ownership, like a new car or a pair of shoes. The last I checked, it took two parents to make a child, and custodial parents who think they have sole ownership over their kids should have thought about that before they decided to sleep with the person who helped them make the baby. Both parents have rights and those rights should be protected, even if one party does not approve of the other party's parenting techniques.
4) Royce was wrong to go on television to call Dwight a "douchebag" in front of the public. Dwight is on national TV all the time, yet he has never taken the time to refer to his wife in a disparaging way. Insulting and disrespecting your child's father in front of the child (let alone the rest of the country) implies that you love yourself more than you love that child. If Dwight is a bad person, it should be left up to his son to figure that out, and it's not the mother's job to invoke her own opinion. This kind of behavior is responsible for the breakdown of father/child relationships all throughout black America.
Royce Reed and Dwight Howard are two young people who never seemed to learn how to love one another. They were also two young people who appear to be too immature to be married and/or raising a child together. At the very least, the NBA lifestyle seems to create a brand of narcissism that leads to people thinking about their own needs before anyone else. It appears that both people in this relationship want to "win," when everyone (including their son) is going to lose. I think that there are also lessons that the rest of us can learn about love, life and relationships, and how being married in the NBA is not all about the fairytale. I'm sure we'll find out more on the next episode of "Basketball Wives."
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Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition and a Scholarship in Action Resident of the Institute for Black Public Policy. To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.
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