Filed under: Commentary
Following their recent divorce, Dwyane claimed that Siohvaughn wasn't allowing him to see their two sons, ages eight and three, and the court agreed with him. Her actions in this case--alienating the sons from their father--were so heinous that a court had to recognize it and do something about it. This ruling was rare.
Siohvaughn "has embarked on an unstoppable and relentless pattern of conduct for over two years to alienate the children from their father, and lacks either the ability or the willingness to facilitate, let alone encourage, a close and continuing relationship between them," said the court's papers.
The problem is, Siohvaughn is far from the only woman to pull the stunt called Parental Alienation. PA is a very common tactic used by women like Siohvaughn who have no problems manipulating, distorting or trying to dissolve a father's bond with his child.
In typical cases of PA, visitation after visitation is denied repeatedly and both parents are consistently in and out of court. In the most extreme cases, one day the father wakes up to learn his child has been relocated to another state or country--without approval or notification. This is a form of kidnapping. But the crime rarely goes punished.
Several years can go by before the child is found and at that point, the child will have grown up not knowing or being able to bond with the father.
For some reason people don't think this hurts men. But no man wants to be separated from his children.
I know this first-hand. For five-and-a-half years, I was separated from my two daughters, then ages five and three. During that time, there were no two hours within a given day when I didn't feel the pangs of loneliness in my heart caused from not being able to take part in my daughters' daily lives. I had anxiety attacks. I cried thinking about how my daughters were doing, how they were growing and what they were experiencing. But more importantly, what I was missing.
From the moment of their birth, my daughters captured a piece of my heart that was quite different from the love I have for my eldest son. I'm not going to say I love the girls more than my boy, but I protect them in a different way.
Ironically a similar bond didn't develop between their mother and I. And because of the tumultuous relationship with the mother of my children prior to her disappearance, I asked for joint custody and received it.
Then the games started: on the days I was scheduled to see my daughters, she wouldn't allow me to; she stopped answering her phone. Then she disappeared with my daughters. For years, I unwillingly played her game of "Where in the world are my kids today" as she moved them out of state, changed numbers and schools without notification and tried to block my every move to see the girls I helped give life to.
Taking her to court didn't stop the crime from being repeated, however. The system provides no penalties, no judgments or liens against mothers who practice severe cases of PA. Ceasing to pay child support, however was the first step to correcting what was wrong. It took two years of not paying child support for her to resurface--albeit to take me to court for not paying child support. I am now seeking full custody of my two girls and saw my girls for the first time several months ago.
How hard is it for a man to establish custody? The bias against the father dates back to the 1800s from what's known as The Tender Years Doctrine, which determines that children under the age of five would be better off under the care of their mother. Even though many states have since moved to the "best interest of the child" as the basis for all decisions, many courts still function under that "tender years" mentality, routinely awarding immediate custody to mothers regardless of any other factors.
That's why Dwayne's ruling was so important to fathers like me. It meant that the court finally recognized a mother's unwillingness to co-parent and actually did something about it. The reasons a man should have custody are the same for a woman. This allows him to make decisions on schools and doctors and grants him access to the child's medical records.
But the most important thing is that joint custody allows a man to play a role he has every right to--and one he wants to embrace.
The love you feel when your children are born is unbelievable. If you're not a parent, then it may be hard to understand that that love is greater than any wife, girlfriend, wife, or even your own parents. Everything becomes about that child... until someone takes him/her away - usually the family court following an angry woman's lead.
Once the wheels of the family court start working against you, it can be debilitating. The forced demand for child support, which is usually treated separately from any custody proceeding, alone can cripple the average man. Each state has its own guidelines for determining the amount of money to be paid in child support, but what is consistent throughout all states is that if you are poor - if you make $30,000 a year or less - child support will render you unable to take care of yourself.
In New York, for instance, child support automatically takes 17% of your gross salary. That's $5100 out of a $30,000 salary, leaving you with less than $25,000 out of which, you are paying tax on $30,000. There are no child credits for non-custodial parents on tax returns, although Obama is talking about changing that.
Now, consider that according to the American Coalition for Fathers and Children, 70 percent of people who are ordered to pay child support earn less than $10,000 per year. In other words, most people that don't pay child support don't pay because they can't afford it; not because they don't want to.
Which brings us to deadbeat dads. The media perpetuates this image of father who makes loads of cash and refuses to pay child support because he hates his ex-wife, doesn't care about his kids, or both; but the reality is, men want to be with their children from day one.
They can take so much money that you can't afford a place to live or to have a car and you certainly can't afford to get married and have another family. It's all very emasculating and for many, once the world of enforced child support comes crashing down due to non-payments, it sends them into a deep depression.
This image is never shown on TV or talked about on the morning radio shows, but these men are listening when all the jokes are made. Sure guys will be loud about the injustices of the court system and how unfair child support can be, but they rarely talk about how hurt they feel inside because they cannot see their child. They never mention how hard it is for them not to be in their children's lives.
The way a parent loves a child is 100 times greater than any other love that exists. Gender has no stronghold on love for a child.
As more and more men pour into family court around the country protecting their rights to parent, maybe this Wade case will effectively start swinging the pendulum the other way.