Filed under: Luv Coach
In the beginning, while getting to know one another, she mentioned a "timeline" where she made it quite clear that she wanted to be either married or engaged within three years, and that after six months, she could tell if a man was serious or just wasting time and playing games. Two years later, she wanted to be married and in a house.
We've both been married before (to other people), and it didn't turn out well for both of us. We are, however, willing to work through problems that have made us reluctant to move forward at times. There have been times that I feel like she's self-centered and uncompromising, but other times I have felt like the "missing piece" to her puzzle of life.
Out of respect for her kids and herself, she refuses to have a man sleeping in her bed without some sort of commitment (we don't live together for this reason). I believe that a man should put a ring on a woman's finger when he's comfortable and ready to do so and not for convenience, and that there's no time limit as to when to do so.
She's repeatedly stated that I wasn't ready for a relationship because my plate was too full with other things, that I was "afraid" to move on with my life, and that I was "stuck." Recently, we argue almost to the point of breaking up, but when we're in each other's company, all is well!
I love her more than she knows. Recently, I feel like because I'm not going along with the plan, she's losing interest. Extracting the emotions from the relationship and looking at things realistically, I feel like maybe I'm just not the right one for her... I'm just not quite sure!
Brian, Washington, DC
When one person rigidly conforms to a plan in a relationship, they leave no room for life and love to happen organically, but at this point it seems like you're both way past the plan. The timeline she gave you was two years and you're pushing three, so you can't really blame her and say that she has been rigidly sticking to it.
When you first started dating, she let you know that she was looking for marriage and a real commitment. She was clear about her intentions, what she wanted and what she expected from a partner. You accepted her terms and entered into this relationship with your eyes wide open, so why are you surprised that after three years of dating she wants to know if you're serious?
Your girlfriend is a planner, and that means she will try to be prepared for everything in life. This can be a good and bad trait depending on how she handles spontaneity. Planners are extremely efficient and manage day-to-day life successfully, but the problems arise when life deviates from the plan or when someone changes it without warning. Planners typically want things done their way, and they can come off as stubborn and self-centered in the process. They need to know what's going on so they can emotionally prepare, and when their plan is threatened, fear and insecurity arise.
She is feeling insecure because she doesn't know where you stand when it comes to this relationship. She doesn't know if you want to marry her, and that is scary. Her fear is driving her fight-or-flight response. When she tells you you're stuck, she's fighting for the relationship, and she's losing interest because she recognizes that if you haven't already figured out that she is the woman for you, then you must not want what she wants.
It seems that you are waffling, and you don't know if you want to be married to this woman. Obviously, she is getting the message, and it's making her insecure. She is translating your reluctance to get married as a sign that there is something wrong with her. She has spent years in a committed relationship, and she has made it clear that she wants to marry you.
Making the statement that "I feel like maybe I'm just not the right one for her" is hiding behind the real questions: "Do I want to get married again? Is she the woman for me? Do I want to call her my wife?"
Marriage is a big step, and you had an unsuccessful experience in the past, so it's understandable that you don't want to rush into anything. That being said, you have to self assess what you want and face what is holding you back from having it. If you decide she is the one, then you need to let her know, and then ask her to give you the time and space to work out when and how you want to pop the question.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts improvdates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at theluvcoach.com.