Man, If Charlie Sheen Had Some African Parents...

Filed under: News

When African parents want to organize their kids to clean up a mess they've made, or take a seat in the car for a road trip, or grab some food in the kitchen -- or what have you, they tell the kids: "HEY! Come and answer your father's name!"

The phrase is like a helpful command that nudges you to do something -- anything -- good, if only for the sake of your papa. Even when you get grown, you'll keep hearing that same phrase, "come and answer your father's name."

Thus, if you were Charlie Sheen--and you had some African parents right about now? It wouldn't matter if you were a "grown" 45-year-old like he is; somebody from your father's side of the family -- if not your father himself -- would be watching you on the telly tube as you were exploding on it, wondering why in the great caves of Kenya you were misrepresenting your father's name.

Your African mother would likely scream in the background, as she clutched her bespoke gold necklace and rolled her eyes at the T.V. screen, recalling how many plates of fufu she cooked for you as a child, and how many ignorant comments she had to endure from racists at her fifth job, where she worked an extra 38 hours a day in the '70s in order to save money for your college education -- Harvard, specifically, where all African immigrants attend -- only for you to have failed to attend Harvard... choosing instead to do "acting," and now disgracing your family as a consequence of this clearly problematic choice.

Sure, Charlie Sheen answers his father Martin Sheen's last name, but man, if Charlie had some continental African parents? He would be in serious trouble telling these doggone "warlock" stories, throwing his hands in the air on television like he was throwing a spear... talking 'bout "WINNING! WINNING!" and disgracing his community of cousins, elders, and villagers back in Africa that hang his picture as a beacon of hope in their homes, clubs, and restaurants.

He just wouldn't go around abusing the word, "warlock," because REAL wars would have been fought where his African parents came from, if they came from a country that still fights tribal wars--or, heck, if they came from any African country within the last half-century when colonialism ended.


And, he just wouldn't have this luxury of "tiger blood" metaphors, unless he had physically seen a tiger as he dodged bullets from the African army in his father's dictator-led country. Most modern-day Africans have never, in fact, seen tigers, but quite a few have seen bullets and war. Think Egyptians, Tunisians, Djiboutians, Cote D'Ivoreans... you know... people with real news, who don't get covered because they don't film 'Two and a Half Men'; they instead fend for two and a half men: i.e. themselves, their uncle, their little brother. They care for two and a half women: i.e. their mother, their aunt, their little sister. They miss two and a half meals a day, and work two and a half jobs... only to make two and a half dollars a week.
Charlie just wouldn't have the guts (if his D.N.A. leaned a little less towards "Adonis," and a little more in the African god-of-thunder/survivor-of-apartheid direction) to parade around big studio networks, losing wives and children all over the place, making the news cycle revolve around him and his overly privileged lifestyle.

He wouldn't have the gall, if his name were Shobola rather than Sheen, Chukwu rather than Charlie, to dominate the airwaves with gibberish, as his former homies fight for free and fair elections in towns where African politicians have rigged their votes.

Oh, no. Charlie's entire level of consciousness would be slightly different, if he had, maybe not just African parents, but at least some whoop-arse roots that were traceable from Africa to the Caribbean to the Carolinas, Georgia, Brooklyn and beyond. Many who have that background know exactly how it works. Even more know that as much as we love Charlie, as much as we enjoy his tragic-comedic genius, and his colorful T.V. appearances, there are much more believable revolutions in the Motherland that have not been televised -- even as they're happening live.

To him, we say: do better, Uncle Charlie, and heal well.

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China Okasi is a journalist/media personality who dishes witty commentary on CNN, Fox News & more. She is a Founding Editor and Editorial Consultant for MadameNoire.com. This fast-paced entrepreneur also owns PennandPaper.com and several other properties. Find out more at ChinaOkasi.com, or follow her at @ChinaOkasi.

 

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