Luv Coach Q&A: Still Not Over My First Crush

Filed under: Relationships, Luv Coach, Marriage

I've been obsessing -- honestly, for decades -- about my first crush from junior high school. It's quite embarrassing. I haven't told a soul, of course, but I find myself thinking about him many times a day. We still see each other -- with our spouses -- for a concert or a class reunion maybe once or twice a year. I just can't seem to let him go! The worst part of it all is that my husband's perfect. He's romantic, sweet, funny and a great dad. I'm crazy about him and I feel like I don't deserve such a terrific guy. I should be spending my time obsessing over Mr. Wonderful, not Mr. Habit. Could you help me get my thoughts back in line?
-Margaret

Love is an incredibly powerful force, and your first crush can leave a lasting impression because it is your first experience with infatuation. It feels amazing because the emotions are all encompassing and you are swept away in the dizzying effects of addictive love. You're not the first person, and you won't be the last to obsess and fantasize about your first crush, wondering 'what if?' The problem with this obsession is that it is rooted in infatuation and is just a fantasy. That experience was so many years ago, and those two people don't exist anymore. You have both grown up, matured, and changed, so the idea you have in your mind of who he is and what you could have had is just an emotional memory.

The best way to get over this is to face the hard truths. What you have with your husband is love, and what you have in your mind with your first crush is infatuation. Separate them into two different categories and label them as so. The question you should be addressing is why you feel the need to escape to fantasy land so often. Fantasizing can be healthy, and fun, but if you find that it's getting in the way of developing or connecting with your real love, then there is a deeper problem at play.

It seems that even though your husband is an amazing guy, you are running away to fantasize in your mind, which means your reality may be missing something. Maybe you don't spend enough time reconnecting with each other, and your need to be swept off your feet isn't being fulfilled. Instead of retreating to fantasy land, take a look at your relationship and work out how you and your husband can inject a little fantasy into your lives. Add a weekly date night just for the two of you, and make sure to end it in the sheets. Plan a weekend away -- without the kids -- to rekindle the flames of passion. It's easy for love to get lost in the day-to-day shuffle of kids, bills, work, stress and routine. Take the time to inject some fantasy into your reality, so you fill your day dreams with real love.

Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.

 

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