Filed under: Luv Coach
-Richard
It sounds like you are sending the message that you can't commit, and for a woman that just doesn't work. Women want to feel secure in their relationships, and since you separated from your wife -- being unable to sustain that commitment -- and never followed through with your divorce -- being unable to commit to dissolution -- your track record is sending a clear message to your lady friend(s) that you can't commit. These women recognize that you don't have room in your life to make them a priority in the way in which they want, since you still have legal ties to your wife. They also see that your choice to abstain from getting a divorce for financial reasons and the hassle of splitting assets means that you are more concerned with your own comfort than their need for commitment and security.
It is fine to choose to live your life this way, but you are choosing women who obviously want more, and that is why it ends in the same way. You say that you want a true relationship, but your definition of what that is seems to be very different from that of the women you are dating. To them, a real relationship is one in which you are fully committed and are available to be a husband and partner in life. To you, a real relationship is one in which you live with a woman, but don't have to fully commit to marital bonds.
The best way to solve this is to find a woman who wants what you want, and defines a real relationship using the same terms in which you use. You need to search for someone who is financially stable and who does not want marriage. The trick is to ask them what they are looking for, before you tell them what you are looking for. In many cases you may tell a woman that you are separated, have filed for divorce, but have not gone through with it. This gives women hope that you might divorce, and that you will be available to commit to them eventually. This sends false hope and mixed messages, and you end up with women who wait and wait, all the while growing resentful that you aren't doing what they expected of you.
It is good that you are honest from the start, but you have to be very clear, concise and specific about what that means. Letting a woman know that you have no intention of getting a divorce or getting remarried, and explaining that you are only looking for a partner to share your life with, will help to weed out those who are looking for more. Ask her what she wants before sharing what you want, so that you can choose to not proceed if her wants are not in line with yours.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.