Filed under: Dating, Relationships, Luv Coach
There is this guy in my life that I am completely infatuated with, but I don't think he wants a relationship with me. We don't go out on dates, I rarely ever see him, and he hardly ever calls or texts me, but I can't stop thinking about him. Every time he sees me, he runs over to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek and a hug, which I love. Also, at the risk of sounding weird, I can hear his thoughts even when we are miles apart. I know for sure because I asked him. I hear the music he plays for me, too.
I'm confused. I'm also guarded because I fear he will break my heart, but somehow he always manages to squash those fears. Should I be patient or simply move on?
This has been going on for a year, but I haven't seen him in four months. I'm wondering if this is normal. Is he playing me or is he just not ready to date me? I'm afraid to just ask him because if he doesn't want me I'll be crushed, and if he does, am I ready?
Danyel
It sounds like you are stuck in the infatuation stage and your feelings are based upon who you think this guy is, instead of who he really is. If you haven't been dating, or communicating then you must be fantasizing. It's easy to fall into the attraction trap, making your choice based solely on your feelings of attraction. You have interpreted this strong attraction as a sign that this relationship is meant to be, but what ends up happening is that you ignore the blatant red flags. Ask yourself: What do I really know about this guy? Is he single or available? Is he interested in me or just overly friendly? You enjoy it when he kisses you on the cheek and hugs you because he is giving you the attention you desire, but if he isn't following up by trying to get to know who you are, then what do you think are his real intentions?
First you need to find out if he is available. If he is, then step up and simply ask him out on a date. If he says no, then you have your answer and you can move on and make yourself open and available to new relationships. If he says yes, then you can begin to take the steps to get to know him and figure out if this is someone who is worthy of your time and attention. Sitting around and waiting for him to ask you has proven fruitless, and this isn't the 1950s. Women have been liberated, so be the chooser and ask him.
Be very careful with your infatuation. What tends to happen is that the idea of who he is in your mind, will not match up to the reality of who he is. You have to enter into this knowing that you don't know him and allow him to share himself with you. Take him at face value and listen to what he says, because there will be many signs and messages in the infatuation bubble that you will have to filter through.
You also want to check in with yourself and make sure that you aren't responding to him from a place of neediness. If his hugs and kisses are filling an emotional void within you, then you're coming from a place of emotional deficit and your neediness will read as desperation. Shift your mind and intention from needing to be loved to I want to find someone special who I can give to and receive love from, as well as share the highs and lows of life with.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.