Filed under: Relationships, Luv Coach, Marriage, Infidelity
I have been dating a man that has been nothing but good to me for three years. We are making plans to move in together in the near future and at some point get married. One day, I snooped in his email and found what were clearly inappropriate exchanges with a woman he had sex with in the past. The woman lives in another state. They have been discussing how and when they can hook up. They are not aggressive about making the interlude happen, and initially it seemed like just flirting, but now it is getting racier. After reading the email, it is hard to pretend like things are okay when I am with him. I am waiting to see how far this will go, but everyday, I want to tell him what I know, especially when he talks about being different than other men, and having never cheated on a woman. Should I bust him? Should I wait until he is scheduled to see her? He will be very angry to learn I snooped, and I guess I don't blame him. I admit, I have trust issues after being hurt in previous relationships; however, what he is doing feels like cheating to me. I feel betrayed because I really thought he was a good guy.
-Anonymous
E-mailing an ex and planning a rendezvous is emotional cheating, which usually leads to physical cheating. It is unfortunate that he feels the need to behave one way with you and differently behind your back. It seems that he is masquerading as one person, but acting as another, and what this tells you is that his words don't match his actions. The first thing you need to do is print up all of the e-mails between the two of them. Keep this for your records so that he doesn't try and delete them and lie about their existence. Secondly, don't beat yourself up for snooping. It sounds like you may have subconsciously read some signs and wanted to be certain that the thoughts of him cheating were all in your head. Come to find out you read those signs correctly and he is having an emotional affair. This is extremely disrespectful and to lie to your face lets you know just how much he truly values your relationship.
Since they have been discussing how and when they can hook up, and the conversation is getting racier, then the momentum is set and he is moving forward with his plan. First you must protect yourself, so do not have sex with him. Contracting a venereal disease would most certainly be the worst reminder of this situation. You cannot continue to live with this secret because it is doing damage to you. If he is off planning an affair, then he isn't ready to be in a committed and honest relationship with you. You have had experience with cheaters in the past and you shouldn't allow another one into your life. I would recommend that you sit him down and hand him the printed e-mails. Tell him that you know what is going on, and you can see that he isn't ready to be fully and honestly committed to you, therefore you are going to have to end this relationship. He will probably lie and tell you anything he can come up with to get you to stay. The evidence speaks for itself and you have to let him know that you won't stand for a liar and a cheater in your life. Let him know that he needs to seek professional help and until he decides to get the help he needs, you won't allow him into your life. This may seem like a harsh approach, but it is what is necessary to set the boundary that cheating in any form will not be tolerated by you. I know you're hurt and emotional, but you need to put yourself first in this situation. Waiting around for him to actually cheat is not healthy for your emotional well being. He is a grown man, and he knows that what he is doing will hurt you, but he is selfishly putting his sexual/emotional desires above those of the relationship and putting you in danger. Don't waste any more time with someone who says one thing to your face but does another behind your back.
Searching for Luv? Join Coach Brody for Improvdates.com
I have been with my boyfriend for several years and I just moved north to be with him. Since moving up, we barely see each other since he works so much. I have been unemployed the last year, so he is paying my rent, and picking up the slack, but I still feel like he doesn't work hard enough in our relationship to fulfill what I need from him. I spoke to him about finding more time to spend with me, and even though we spend our weekends together I still feel like something is missing. I've been talking to this other guy and the more time we spend with each other the better I feel. We aren't fooling around or anything, just talking, but I do feel a little guilty that I'm going behind my boyfriends back and befriending someone else. Is this cheating or is it okay to find comfort in a friendship outside of my relationship?
Candice
It's okay to have friendships outside of your relationship, but if you're feeling guilty then it sounds like emotional lines are being crossed. Your new friendship stems from your desire to fulfill your emotional needs, and you have to be upfront and honest, and let your boyfriend know who this other man is and the relationship you're developing. Your boyfriend is working very hard to make sure that you are taken care of financially, and since you are in a relationship with him, you need to give him a fair opportunity to fulfill your emotional needs. Schedule time together so you can continue nurturing your relationship. Set a time each day to disconnect from work, phone, TV and tech so you two can reconnect. Since you're unemployed, you have plenty of time to devote to the relationship, and just as he is pulling the financial weight, you need to support him by doing your part to keep the relationship healthy and passionate.
Rebecca Brody helps singles and couples experience healthy love. Send questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or check her out at www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more date tips follow her on twitter @LuvCoach and Facebook.com/BACARDILimon