Filed under: Interviews, Hot Picks, Self-Help
Dean, bestselling author of 'Hiding in Hip Hop,' doles out sage and sassy advice for women on some of life's most challenging issues, including when to leave a relationship, how to stay in the dating game and how to realize that you may not be that into him.
'Straight From Your Gay Best Friend' is a must read for any woman looking for a different perspective on love, life and spirituality.
Dean, who moved to Los Angeles from New York last spring, is happily dating and working on his juicy debut novel, 'Mogul,' about the life of one of New York City's most beloved hip hop producers that is due out in June. BlackVoices.com caught up with the former MTV staffer. Excerpts of the conversation are below.
BlackVoices.com: Why did you decide to write 'Straight from your Gay Best Friend'?
Terrance Dean: There were two reasons. First, while I was on tour with 'Hiding in Hip Hop,' women were lining up to ask how they could tell if their men were on the down low. Second, they also were lining up to seek relationship advice. They wanted to know how to maintain their relationships and why men do certain things. So I found myself giving women relationship advice. And then when I started my advice column, 'Straight from Your Gay Best Friend,' I had hundreds of e-mails from women. A lot of women want to get advice from a man who is nonthreatening opposed to a man who might have an ulterior motive. I give advice lovingly, but with a little sass and humor.
BV: What qualifies a gay male to give relationship advice to women?
TD: We are men. We know how men think. We act like men. We know the behaviors of men. And as I said before, we don't' have ulterior motives. We are not trying to sleep with you. If anything, we want you to continue your relationship and to be fabulous. When I counsel women, I'm reminded of my grandmother, my mother, my aunts and my sister. I see a woman's beauty and I want them to maintain it.
BV: Are you always on target with your advice?
TD: Yeah, because when I listen to the questions from women I hear the pain and sadness in their voices. They are missing the joy that was there when they started the relationship. I remember the games I used to play with women before I realized I was gay. It was easy to tell women how much I loved them and how they were the only one in my life. I would buy flowers and cards to manipulate them to let them to let their guards down. Men know how to manipulate so well. Some women may never have been treated this way before. It makes them feel loved. So many of them rush into relationships without getting to know the person. So three months later when he's not doing the same things he used to do to woo you and you don't' feel that flutter in your heart and stomach, you begin to feel manipulated.
I'm here to tell you he always was that way. It's just that you were not patient and did not see him for who he really was. I have a chapter in the book called "Patience," where I encourage women not think of every man they meet as being "the one'' because, honey, men are thinking, "oh, I'm just having fun. I like hanging out with her.''
And girls, you better listen to that man. He will tell you who he is in the first five minutes of the conversation. You can't listen to he's tall and fine opposed to what he is really saying. He's told you a thousand times he doesn't want to be in a relationship. If he says that, let him go. A man already has left the relationship before he tells you. They are just waiting for the right moment to tell you. And if he tries to come back, don't let him because nothing has changed. He is still that same old man. He told you who he was from the beginning, but you didn't listen.
BV: How can sisters make better choices when so many men are "out here wrong?''
TD: Get back to who you are. Do not let anyone steal your happiness, your peace, or growth. If they are not inspiring or encouraging you, then that person doesn't deserve to be in your life. If you think you are not worthy, you will keep meeting people who are not worthy of your time. So, go out and be a fabulous diva!